I’m so lost… it’s hard to find myself – (Feb 28, 2018)

Hey everyone, I’m sorry for the long hiatus. I’ve stumbled on an emotional path where i can’t really control the lost feeling of my one true love. What happen you say? Well, it’s been at least 3 years since i last saw her. She’s beautiful in every way and was a high school friend of mine. We would challenge each other for a better mark on an exam or assignments, we also challenged our teacher with questions that confused both of us, just willing ourselves to find closure on a confusing test. We both worked hard to reach our goals but i must admit she was a lot smarter than me by far.

I would try so many times to defeat her on a test, but when it came down to our results, she’d always beat me by a margin! It wasn’t so long when I start to have a weird feeling in my stomach, I’ve questioned this feeling many times but never comprehended it. Every morning, I would wake up to school feeling excited for some odd reason, I was thrilled just to meet her even though we both never got the chance to talk. One day, I forgot to finish up an online multiple choice quiz for chemistry class. It was worth at 2% of my overall mark, scared as I was. I panicked and walked around asking if others classmates of mine gotten to finish there quiz as well. The first person I ever thought of approaching was her. She was so kind and replied to me with an approval sign. She’d practically did the whole quiz for me, which was like 10 questions. I was embarrassed and yet so happy, that feeling I had my made heart pumped so much, I nearly felt like my heart was literally coming out through my chest. That was a past memory I cherished so much and will never forget. At that moment, I finally realized that I love her.

A couple of years past, we both graduated from high school and we entered into the top university for the same degree. We had the same courses and continued studying. Sadly enough, we couldn’t talk much to each other, mainly because the workload was too stressful and with lecture after lecture. Seeing her was getting less frequent. I started to get distracted from my studies because of her, I liked her so much but NEVER TOLD HER UP FRONT! I kept it all inside since high school. I was so afraid of rejection that i only wished for our friendship to grow but didn’t.  One day, I told another friend close to her that I liked her. It was that day when I had the courage to tell her.

But, it was all in vain, she told me that I was wasting my time and that i had to find someone else. It was frustrating to me and it still is even to this day after 3 years from that day. I later learned she had found a boyfriend which I didn’t know. I never saw or talk to her again because it was very awkward and felt horrible to see. I don’t know what to do, I still love her. But i can’t say anything, i can’t do anything. I’m literally completely lost right now. i don’t know who am I anymore. She was my light, my goals… Now gone. What’s there in life now. I questioned myself every day.

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